5.20.2015

So what's new?











It's so much easier to have a broken heart when you need one.

I don't have anything wise to say.
I don't have anything profound to say.
I hardly have anything to say.

To you.

Or to anyone for that matter.




I'm afraid I've been silent for so long I'm afraid I've lost my words.
I'm afraid that my words have found a new body to house them in.
I'm afraid I've been silent too many times sitting in the passenger seat of your car.


You tell me it's going to be okay.
"You're okay. You're more than okay."

I say.
"Hopefully"

You've always had more hope than I have.



You've seen my gold curls rope around and become nooses.
I've seen myself put the step latter underneath my curls, and step up.

Slide in.
Tight fight.

Step up.
Step up.

STEP.
UP.








I'm apathetic towards you.
I just couldn't stop thinking tonight,


Holy H*CK, I will never miss you.

I'm better off without ya.












5.17.2015

11.02.2012








The way you and me
We,
The way we communicate, is something
different. 

Words do not need to exchanged. 
nor does eye contact.
The way, we communicate,
is through our breath.

If you are still breathing, 
and I am still breathing,
then I know,
you still love me.

If we are walking through
a winter night.
and smoke leaves your lungs.
So does your love. 

The rapid pattern,
of your breath,
is the constant reminder,
you know who I am.
and what I stand for.

The way your breath sounds,
over the phone.
in the middle of the night,
breathes words of tired love.

When I look at you,
when we see each other, 
I stare at you mouth,
watching for your breath. 
- November 02.2012

I wrote this a few years ago and stumbled upon it tonight.
I don't mean to be nostalgic. 

Everything is always warm in familiarity.

I wish the best for everyone who is leaving their familiarity. Dress warms Darling, it's cold out there.

-SJT

4.27.2015

THINGS THAT ARE THINGS.






THINGS I KEEP TELLING MYSELF:
1. Send out good vibes.
2. Accept your lots in life.

THINGS I REALIZED OVER THE WEEKEND:
1. I'm more like my mom than I could have imagined.
2. Soul searching is painful.

THINGS I FEEL APATHETIC ABOUT:
1. Long prom dresses.
2. Online classes.



God drew me with a crayon.








God drew me with a crayon.

He started with the eyes. He taped together a sky-something-ocean-blue crayon and a pine-scented-asparagus-green crayon and went to work. And God, He colored outside the lines a little bit because something about a metaphor about looking beyond yourself. 
“Look closer,” He said. 
“Look harder,” He said.

Next, He chose my mouth. He splashed my lips with hints of indigo and canary and filled my tongue with colors like watermelon slices and rose petals. My teeth were like the ivories on a piano and my smile was made with colors like jumper cables and car batteries. 
God said, “Speak kindly.” 
God said, “Taste sweetly.”

Next, the nose and cheeks. He drew the outline of them with a little too much blush and a little too much sun. I get embarrassed and sunburned way too easily. He sprinkled tiny dots colored like chestnuts on my nose and called them freckles but deep down I know they’re really angel kisses… and lately I've had to look harder in the mirror to find them.

He rounded off my joints with colors like mud and bruises because God wanted me to keep standing back up even after the third prayer in a row because He knew that the bruises on my heart would heal just like the bruises on my knees.

He combined colors of the sun and a strawberry field and added them to my hair so that I would know what love felt like.

God filled in the empty spaces with colors like the starry-sky and the rolling mountains. He said, “Remember.  Remember how it only took me one week to make all this and it’s all yours.”
Finally, God completed me with a heart full of the best books and the best music. Colors like floral prints and log cabins surrounded my lungs. God soaked my blood in waxy, bittersweet lavender. It pumps to my arms and legs and I cry purples and midnight blues, always with Him on my mind.

Then I would be His and He would send me on my way.

Barefoot, braided, and sun kissed she entered the world.



And God smiled.


-Nattty Taylor.
I basically wanted to highlight the entire thing.
So beautiful.
I needed this tonight. 

4.20.2015

Selected Memories.









I remember playing tag at recess and giving the boy I liked an Indian burn. I thought it was love. 
I remember sitting in laundry baskets while my dad pushed me around the house.
I remember the Fourth of July and the Buttler's house. My mom had short hair, and so did I. We were twins. 
I remember hiding in the corn rows of our garden pretending I was lost in Africa. You could always see me and I always told you to pretend you didn't.
I remember showing you how to kiss. We were laughing so hard. 
I remember making blanket nests. I was 5 and you were 7. We both wanted to be birds. I was a blue one and you were purple. 
I remember waking up and wising my eyes never opened again.
I remember the first year you said, "This was going to be our smallest Christmas." 
I remember you said I must be the smartest girl in my class because I knew how to spell the word, hospital. 
I remember selling candy on the street. Everything was melted. I remember lying and saying it wasn't. 
I remember when my dad slapped me. I was making an egg salad sandwich. 
I remember the first time I made out. 
I remember when I liked Pokemon but didn't tell anyone.
I remember making pancakes in the basement because my sister asked me to. I hid the griddle in my room for weeks. 
I remember when my brother got suspended because his friends dared him to go in the girls bathroom.
I remember when all the girls asked me if I wore a bra or not. 
I remember when the worst word I knew was crap.
I remember meeting at LP pond. You were shaking so bad. I borrowed my brothers bike to get there. 
I remember being alone. I remember how real it was.
I remember sitting at the cemetery and wanting to talk out loud but being too much of a coward to do it. I left my mittens there on purpose. 
I remember when we watched the Magic School Bus for science.
I remember listening to Death Cab for Cutie the summer of 2012. 
I remember the first time I snuck out. We went to sliding rock. The water was freezing. 
I remember when you told me you could hear me crying at night. 
I remember when $100 was a lot of money. 
I remember having a crush on my cousin and feeling very nervous about it. 


I remember less than I probably should.

Just this.






There’s something thrilling about children with gold hair. They calmly, simply, merely, wait for something remarkable in the making. Hands cupped into binoculars, looking through child-hood eyes, they’re dripping with youth. Fragrance of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, spill from the roof of their mouths; and roll over the tops of their teeth. Honey sweet magic on their lips; thick like melted chapstick. Endless summer days, lined with crooked teeth and sun-kissed bare legs. Skin burning red.  Hair gold and long, with those fingers gold and strong. Waiting for mother; chasing butterflies. Facing laced lies. Scanning for spies. Planning for the prize. Covered in skies, fries, supplies and allies. 

4.12.2015

Look both ways when crossing.





















I swore I would post something earlier this week.
Here we go again.



-My uncle asked me today if I'm money hungry. I looked at him and said, "I guess I am."
He said to be careful.

You know, it's funny what time can do.
What it can do to people and minds. And how I've managed to manipulate and warp time into my hands.
Right between each finger, and under my fingernails.

Playing wild cards and dealing them out; each drunk and written with conspiracy.

I rub out the practicality
and sting of it all

Cradling the familiar indents impressed into me. Creating painful spaces between you and me; and my fingers and fingernails. Licking my chapped and cracked bones. Cracked lips.

Cracked me.

Bleaching my blonde hair even blonder with the chemicals  pressed into my roots.
Pressed into me.

Tired secrets and tired scenes; smeared on the outer most extent of my skin. Pealing with pride and prudent pleasure. The kind of pleasure that promises you interest. The kind that possesses your darkest emotion. All wrapped in box and bow.

Timid and unsure I crawl home with my heavy elbows and knobby knees; into my hardly involved bed. I count back and think; "I've forgot to measure the distance; yet I know how far I've gone. How far we've separated".
How much I've changed.

My skin to scales. My personality to pay checks.
Gripping for mercy

And time.

My knuckles and static hair infatuated with the delivery of selected love. Collecting my sweat and anxiety. Labeling them, organizing them into files.
Stored away for the spring.
Only increasing their numbers. The heat and pressure of this all; weighing my shoulders.
Weighing my eyelids.
 
While I continually count faces and tap my knees out of habit.



I'm different and time is unchanging. I'm changing and wishing for Lord knows what. It's funny what I blame on time; and how it's power hungry and I'm power drained.
We are a beautiful team.
I have a beautiful system


Teach me to write and I'll give you anything.
-s

This wasn't about shoes. Sorry. I really tried to get it out of me, but it just wouldn't come.

Lullaby ll








I'd let all my dreams
Dry up
For you to be happy
If that's enough

For you
To be happy
For now...

And now that all of my dreams
Have dried up,
You're running through daisies
And that's enough

For me
To be happy
To be happy
To be happy
For now...
-BR

3.29.2015

Experience is Expensive.










Selected Memories:
 
Strolling down the street, barefoot, with our pride tied to the tips of our hair; selling candy on the corner street. Overpriced, lafy tafys and melted chocolate Kit-Kats. We didn't make much money, and I swear it was more for my mom to have the kids out of the house than for us to learn what it’s like “earning a living.” I never took that seriously though. I knew my dad sat in an office, next to a grey copy machine. The fan and air conditioning blowing his eyes dry. Dazed from computer screens and scenes of office meetings. I didn't understand how sitting in a wheely chair at a desk was earning a “living.” I still would much rather sit outside, with the sun burning freckles to my shoulders, selling candy than sit in an office with the door shut. Fingers typing typing typing. I earned my living by breaking the neighborhood record for the longest time anyone could hang upside down. I earned my living by planting flowers in my window. I earned my living the way I wanted to live. 

***
Sitting in the back of the car, hands white and feet folded two times over. You had the guitar in your lap, strumming the same chord on repeat; while I breathed automatically. I had an aching sadness in my being that night. I was reverent and reasonable. You played me magic and hope between the strings of your guitar. We almost kissed that night. You said you wanted to. I said it was a bad idea. You were honest.

***

Driving too fast, blasting Taylor Swift and screaming lyrics straight out of our hearts.  Out looking the city and the colors. I saw it all in your eyes. Roof climbing and park swinging. We were reckless and young. We had wood chips jammed between our toes and grass in our hair. We climbed everything taller than us. We let our spirits fly high that night. It was my birthday and we all screamed when it was midnight. I was an adult but have never acted so childlike. 

***

I find love in the image of my dad hunched over our kitchen table. His white Sunday shirt on, un-buttoned at the sleeves, recklessly rolled up. His feet one place over the other.  His wire framed glass sitting at the edge of his nose, dancing with gravity. He's dipping his carrots in a little blue plastic bowl; that's meant for infants who are learning about the American romance with food. He's 42, with twin two year old boys. He's still learning what it means to be a father and I'm still learning what it means to be his daughter. 

***

This is me.
I'm a romantic.
I'm a realist.
I'm an extremist.
I'm lost and tired of high school.
I'm home sick. 
I'm happy to be alive.
I'm a lot more.
I'm a lot less.



Thanks for listening.


-Sarah Thueson 
xoxo

3.23.2015

Please God

Someday he will see

You

For you and he will love.

All.

Because God himself said go.

And you won't ever stop.


.

Remember when we lay there in the black night, cooling skin heating the twin sheets.
We pushed our beds together and for some reason I felt okay.
I told you about my heart and my head and all things in between.
You told me I was good enough.
I was good enough
I was better
Than it all.
Ever since that night you heard me cry and you really heard me I have loved you.

Remember when I walked alone through the stagnant darkness to his house.
All I wanted was you.
And you came.
You came running as fast as you could.
And you were there.
I never wanted to let go of you.
Of all of you.
I will never let go of you.

Once you said you were thinking about becoming old and looking back on these days and smiling because they are filled with me and you and the world.

I didn't believe because boys, and kisses, and parents, and moves, and best friends, and time, and life came in between.

But somehow I always ended up back on your curb.

I don't know if you will ever know how big I smile when I think over our years.

But it's my best smile. My biggest.

You know the one.

Love-

Gwen.

3.15.2015

MARCH15&IHAVENOTHINGTOFEAR










These are the first days of fall. The wind,
at evening, smells of roads still to be traveled,
while the sound of leaves blowing across the lawns

is like an unsettled feeling in the blood,
the desire to get in a car and just keep driving.
A man and a dog descend their front steps.
The dog says, Let’s go downtown and get crazy drunk.
Let’s tip over all the trash cans we can find.

This is how dogs deal with the prospect of change.
But in his sense of the season, the man is struck
by the oppressiveness of his past, how his memories

which were shifting and fluid have grown more solid

until it seems he can see remembered faces

caught up among the dark places in the trees.
The dog says, Let’s pick up some girls and just
rip off their clothes. Let’s dig holes everywhere.
Above his house, the man notices wisps of cloud
crossing the face of the moon. "Like in a movie",
he says to himself, a movie about a person
leaving on a journey. He looks down the street
to the hills outside of town and finds the cut
where the road heads north. He thinks of driving

on that road and the dusty smell of the car

heater, which hasn’t been used since last winter.

The dog says, Let’s go down to the diner and sniff
people’s legs. Let’s stuff ourselves on burgers.
In the man’s mind, the road is empty and dark.
Pine trees press down to the edge of the shoulder,

where the eyes of animals, fixed in his headlights,

shine like small cautions against the night.
Sometimes a passing truck makes his whole car shake.
The dog says, Let’s go to sleep. Let’s lie down
by the fire and put our tails over our noses.
But the man wants to drive all night, crossing
one state line after another, and never stop
until the sun creeps into his rearview mirror.
Then he’ll pull over and rest awhile before
starting again, and at dusk he’ll crest a hill
and there, filling a valley, will be the lights
of a city entirely new to him.
But the dog says, Let’s just go back inside.

Let’s not do anything tonight. So they
walk back up the sidewalk to the front steps.
How is it possible to want so many things

and still want nothing? The man wants to sleep
and wants to hit his head again and again
against a wall. Why is it all so difficult?
But the dog says, Let’s go make a sandwich.
Let’s make the tallest sandwich anyone’s ever seen.
And that’s what they do and that’s where the man’s
wife finds him, staring into the refrigerator
as if into the place where the answers are kept-

the ones telling why you get up in the morning

and how it is possible to sleep at night,

answers to what comes next and how to like it.

Stephen dobyns.


Gather the cities





He turned to me and said, I'm going to make your life a movie.
They will make a movie about your life one day. And I'll be there to watch it.
We were golden in the back of that car and infinite under the moon and stars.

3.10.2015

Angels or Animals





Have you fallen out of love between the economy and 9 children?
Child
Child
Child.
Children raising children.

Long nights, and bad fights. 
Crying babies, and high strung park outings.
Church marching and missing shoes.

You count and count missing shoes and marching times.
I count missing love and marching pride


I cried when my teacher told me to take a picture of my parents kissing.

I couldn’t help but treat him with bitterness.
Short.
Honey tasting revenge on my lips.

Lying underneath the sun
Breathing in the irony of it all
Sun on the tops of my feet, and the insides of my hands.
Pressing into my stomach and making my heart pump blood like a hand in a puppet.
Like God commanding and people obeying.
I couldn’t help but fall in love.
I felt like a child of the universe, and an orphan of humanity.




Everything seemed big and easy, under that sun.
-xoxo

Click, Blink, and Breathe






 "When God became lonely
He created man,
Or was it
When men became lonely
He created God?"

Come:
As you are
As you were
As I want you to be.

2.22.2015

God is real.












Just some thoughts about heaven.

Perhaps heaven isn't only just a place. Heaven is a collection of things that you love, things that make you feel like you're made from string and gold and released from God's palms. Things that have formed you as a human; experiences that have lifted your heart and opened your eyes. A collection of the songs you grew up listening to. The CD named, "Dad's Old Westerns" that your grandpa's mother listened to. A collection of moments that peace was spoken to your mind. Or the state of contentment, flowing bliss. Or the times when every one is gathered around the table, smiling and laughing and talking about old jokes and old love stories. How often are we mistaken that heaven is a reward for the life we have lived? That heaven is a place? Heaven is a state of being, a piece of time. Heaven is always present. Present in the daily acts of acceptance and progression. It's presented wide fields. It's in clear eye sight and clear minds. It's in freedom and in quiet car rides. In hand holding and safety. In the low vibrating tone that your father's voice holds.

God breathes your words Darling.
God is in your words. 


Nothing in this world is concrete.
Everything can be destroyed.
Anything can be created.
-xxxoxo